I try not to let anyone help me with my problems but then when they inevitably spin out of my control, I break down and my parents get very scared that I let things go so long.
And then I have to let them fix my problems for me.
But I’m a grown-up and I act (I feel) irresponsibly and no one should have to help me with problems I created. I should have to bear these things as my own burden.
I mean the only person I feel okay with showing the extent of my anxiety to is my mom, and that’s not even fair. But I need help.
Basically I am very anxious right now about money things and health things that cost money. I need a better job so I can make more money and fend for myself.
my evening was basically crying to my mom on the phone about financial problems, mental health issues, and about how i want to lose weight via unhealthy means
good night, right
So I wrote what I think was a really ugly and overly honest piece on my own body dysmorphia. I had to present it to the class and really freaked out. I got back my copies today; all but four were absolutely blank.
On one of them, someone had underlined, “Magic cards, empty cans of Tecate” and wrote “hell yeah” over it, then later underlined “pickled jalepenos” and also wrote “hell yeah” over that.
On another, someone wrote a recommendation for a quotation I could use from an essay we read for class.
The third had a few underlined words, but I couldn’t make sense of the underlined parts; they were placed without commentary. I think it’s the kid who always got on other people’s asses about repetition (they underlined “would” three times in the first paragraph, which, come on, verb tense).
The fourth, though. ”First: You are beautiful. Second: This is an honest piece. Don’t lose that, use it. I’d hate to see this end with a bow wrapped around some trite platitudes about loving yourself. Use the dysmorphia as an anchor for growth and scale.”
I don’t know who wrote it but whoever did: Thank you. Because it’s scary, a lot of times, to show other people just how much I hate myself. I fear that they will be repelled by my self-hatred, as they sometimes are. Few people can wrap their minds around it, and a lot of people think it’s something I can just brush off and “get over” but you know, those are the people who either don’t know or choose to ignore that I’ve hated myself since I was 7. Thank you for not minimizing this, and thank you for encouraging me to continue writing in honesty.
Is this thing I’m feeling…happiness?
I feel like I’m slipping out of neutrality and into a place where I’m actually becoming comfortable with myself (despite my constant self-loathing) and with my life and where I’m at with friends. And reaching out to make new friends.
I am so rarely happy. It’s weird to feel like this.
I just think of myself as the most abject person ever when I actually try to talk to people.
Like they must think I’m supremely abject. Why would they want to talk to me?
Occasionally it pays off but even when I get a positive response, or even an extremely sincere and positive response, I’m like, “I BET YOU SECRETLY HATE ME AND WILL STOP TALKING TO ME AND BEING MY FRIEND BECAUSE I AM REVOLTING.”
I’ve been experiencing this problem, which is a problem I’ve had in the past and only in school settings, where in lecture-style classes when the teacher just talks the whole time, I begin to doze off and it’s not something I want to do; I’m not trying to be rude or just get some zzzs in—usually I’m perfectly well-rested but begin to fall asleep. This also happens sometimes when I’m in one-sided conversations no matter how hard I will it not to happen and no matter how much I love and am intrigued by the person talking at me.
Today, for example, I was in a class I like with a professor I really want to impress and I got a perfect 8 hours of sleep the night before but then she started lecturing and I just started to fall asleep and I was listening to everything she said but it took all of my willpower just to stay awake. My eyelids fluttered and I had to blink really hard to try to stay awake and I was cold and everything and even as I tried to take notes sometimes I would drift off a bit in the middle of a word and look down and just see scribbles.
I know some of my fellow students noticed, but I’m most afraid that the professor noticed that I was dozing. I usually frown upon students who sleep in class because it’s “rude” but I am starting to wonder whether I have a legitimate disorder because this isn’t the first time it’s happened. I’m concerned, too, because not only will it affect my participation, but this semester I’m determined to be healthy and not skip classes because in the past I’ve skipped classes due to this fatigue but most of my professors allow no more than two absences so I can’t skip for fatigue this semester.
I was thinking of getting a sleep study done but then I know it’s definitely not something about the way I sleep. I know I don’t snore because I’m a light sleeper and even murmuring in my sleep startles me. This totally rules out sleep apnea. I rarely wake up while I’m sleeping; in fact, I don’t usually even move or toss and turn. So that leaves hypersomnia or narcolepsy.
But if I have one of those, I guess the only solution is medication and my mom is worried about me being on another medication. But I think it would improve my quality of life significantly to be awake more.
Anyway, I don’t know what is causing it/what has caused it, but it is causing me a significant amount of anxiety because I also/especially don’t know what to do about it.
i would do no makeup too but i fear that that would make me feel dysphoric when today is one of the rare days when i don’t feel dysphoric so far yet
also thank glob for pants that actually fit me
i will stop talking about it now because now i can’t notice size difference between myself now and a few months ago because it’s not so apparent in the pants i wear every day anymore
me = hard femme who looks like a hard femme with bitchface until she smiles and then becomes a cute femme, but who actually perceives herself as gollum basically
according to what people have said to me throughout my life
i actually had a wonderful conversation with a friend/acquaintance this afternoon
we hung out at harrison street and talked about love and acceptable and unacceptable forms of love for a few hours
it was super-nice and sort of revelatory for me
i love conversations like that and i’ve had them with only a handful of people but he said many things that are distinctly and profoundly applicable to my life situation right now
we talked about how it’s really important to be open and honest about your feelings in a friendship with someone because otherwise things can get fucked up really easily
especially in a friendship that has some physical aspects to it
we also talked about the problems with being in an exclusive romantic relationship with someone and i came to the conclusion that the next time i develop feelings for someone, i will let them know and not expect anything from it
i’m not ready to be in a relationship right now; i’m at a place right now where i just need to be myself by myself without any restrictions
but if it happens that i develop feelings for someone, and they have feelings back, we can just have feelings for each other and hang out a lot and check in a lot without any real obligations to one another
i think that would be a nice change of pace for me from relationships that are overbearing, possessive, manipulative, and even sometimes abusive
OH MY GOD I NEVER THOUGHT I HAD THE CAPACITY TO BE THIS PISSED OFF.
I got to the bank at 1:30 thinking I’d be out in less than an hour because I had plans at 2:30. My phone died while I was waiting and so I couldn’t call Divya to postpone. After 2 fucking hours of waiting just to talk to someone, the lady at the bank tried to talk me into a stupid fucking credit card and I was ready to fucking flip a desk when, even after politely declining because of my student status, she tried to lecture me on why it’s a good idea to get one now. I SAID NO LADY. Then, as it turns out, the bank couldn’t give me a temporary debit card because I didn’t have a federal or state-issued photo ID because, you know, I lost my fucking license two fucking weeks ago!
They were able to help me withdraw fucking cash from my account though whoopdeedoo so every time I need money now I have to go to the bank and take out fucking cash and look like an identity thief of my own identity.
Then I went to the DMV in the hopes that I could get some fucking photo ID today, as in hopefully a Virginia driver’s license because I am a licensed fucking driver, and they told me that I needed my driver’s record and that furthermore, I would have to arrange for PennDOT to send them that shit. So I was really fucking pissed off by that point and settled for getting a Virginia ID card, just in the hopes that I could buy beer tonight or go to a bar so I could get wasted and forget about this shit. But alas! They MAIL you that fucking card so now I have to wait 7 to 10 days to fucking buy my own fucking beer, and just as long, I think, to get a temporary debit card.
I’m seriously stressed out.