i really hate the general way i look rn
i haven’t had an even okay-looking day in a while
idk what to do about it so
so upon realizing that i can no longer go without makeup because my skin is really red, i’ve decided that i need to revamp my skincare routine
i generally have dry skin to the point of flakiness. sometimes my forehead is a little oily or even oily and flaky, like a buttery croissant. my skin is also pretty red lately but it didn’t used to be as pronounced. when i was like 18 or 19 i did not wear any makeup and my skin was generally pale af but it had some pink areas, which were generally chill and cute in retrospect.
i suspect this may have to do with the fact that a few months ago i adopted a solid routine of cetaphil bar soap for dry/sensitive skin + st. ives/kroger/equate refreshing/fresh apricot scrub + clinique dramatically different blah blah whatever moisturizer + palmer’s cocoa butter stick w/spf on really dry areas. i only do all of this once a day, but i think it’s the scrub that’s really fucking me over, because now i have to exfoliate hardcore EVERY day or else risk weird application of foundation on my nose and cheeks. in fact, even when i do exfoliate, fountation shows up kind of spotty especially on my nose and either flakes or slides off. it’s weird.
i’m thinking the most important thing is to use a gentler exfoliator that rubs away flakes while also soothing red skin, and i may start with an oatmeal scrub but tbh i don’t know that i have the energy to make it every time i run out. idk. i also used origins’ modern friction once and really liked it so maybe?
as for cleansers, i’m kind of over bar soap so i’m looking into cetaphil, neutrogena’s oil free acne wash, or philosophy purity made simple blah blah. bar soap just feels very unsanitary to me idk w/e.
i also need a solid fucking moisturizer that moisturizes the shit out of my dry spots (which are also my acne prone spots wtf) and just chills out on my slightly oilier areas (which still flake, which implies they need hydration too?)
i don’t understand my fucking skin but i do know that i want to be able to wear less makeup if i want to.
i accidentally took a 10 mg vicodin pill this afternoon instead of my nuvigil
so i went to class and when i started sweating and feeling nauseous i was like, “why?…OMFG NO”
i went to the bathroom and puked and then went back to class and tried to try
the worst thing is like narcolepsy + vicodin = basically comatose to the point where i can’t walk home? so i’m just sitting in the student commons spacing the fuck out
tbh i feel like shit lately because my bangs look like shit and are so uneven every time i trim them i forget to cut them in a v instead of like a / like i usually do
and i have so many like huge zits and scabs on my face and my skin is straight-up red just like red and uneven and makeup doesn’t really help i’ve been thinking of buying a more full-coverage foundation though to just suffocate my skin because why the fuck not ya dig
i at least feel a lot better since i started shaving my arms but also like ugh i have to shave my arms now
and i feel weird about like…i want a better shape like more hourglassy but also i want to be okay with my shape now and i want to wear tank tops and look hot but i also feel like my boobs are flying out all over the place when i do so i just don’t know idk fuckkkk
some of this has to do with recently facebook lurking someone i should never ever ever ever facebook lurk because it’s bound to always lead me to feel like shit about myself fuck
i am so so excited
so in about a month dylan and i are roadtripping up to lbg to spend some time at my mom’s house and then we are gonna go to rachael’s college graduation in indiana, pa, where i have never been and dylan will get to meet rachael’s boyfriend blake and they will get along
also dylan can meet my friends and shit
we might also go to baltimore and dc on the long way back to richmond to see lorde and angel olsen respectively (in reverse order though) lolol it’s going to be so much fun! i’ve only taken a long roadtrip with a boyfriend once, and that was when i was 16 and moving to pa and we were in the car with my family and 7 cats and one of the cats was literally decomposing and dying on my lap (he actually died that night)
so this will be fun!
i got asked for my number twice last night waahththat
also got called pretty or gorgeous a few times which also utterly baffles me also i don’t know how to take compliments like that so i usually just stare at the nearest wall and shake my head
this time, too, the people who were calling me pretty/gorgeous were like, “you do know that, right? you must know that” and i was like, “NO i do not believe in that”
i’m a great catch
i’m thinking it was because i was at empire and also maybe the youngest person there and also one of few femme-presenting folk fun times
it is always these warm, beautiful days when my body dysmorphia kicks in strongest and demands that i buy new clothes because my brain tells me that my body is just gross
fuck this shit
man rachael left home at 12:30 and she still isn’t here and it’s been 7 1/2 hours. i’m getting tired waiting for her so i really can’t imagine how she feels after that traffic jam and shit.
when you havne’t slept in a day why not listen to joanna newsom for a few hours
satisfy some cravings you know
but also indulge in dreaminess when you can’t dream
also just realized that maybe i am hungry? i honestly can’t tell and it’s a little scary
i’ve been awake for 23 hours now, going on 24. uh. this is really abnormal and also extremely unpleasant not so much because my body is craving sleep—it is a little (or maybe a lot; tbh i’m really out of touch with my body right now), but then i have narcolepsy so it always does—as because i also have had absolutely no sense of time during this waking period. at least i cleaned half of my room, i guess? i’m going to clean off my bed (which honestly might take an hour because of the amount of shit that is piled on it) and then i’m going to try to sleep for a little bit.
also the only reason i’m cleaning my room pretty much is that rachaelconnors is coming to visit me tomorrow for a few days and i don’t want her to have to stay in a really messy and dirty room while she’s here.
i just wrote a long rant about all of the cruel teachers i had throughout grade school (there were two particularly traumatic ones but six in general) who obviously did not know how to handle extreme shyness and social anxiety in students. my original intent was to write about all of the phenomenal teachers i had throughout grade school. i’m not sure how to morph this into something productive when all i want is to hunt down the mean ones, make them understand thoroughly the ways in which they created for me situations that can still trigger my anxiety anywhere from 8-17 years later, and then…i don’t know. because i’m angry and bitter and just indignant right now i want them to suffer, but maybe in small karmic ways, like because they are shitty people who treat (or have treated) children with emotional disabilities shittily, every time they use a public restroom and they have to go really badly for the rest of their lives the toilet will have a record-sized shit in it already and all the other stalls will already be full or out of order so they will have to flush it and it gets clogged and overflows or like every time they try to open a soda can the tab breaks off before the can has even popped.
not even exaggerating, one particular traumatic experience in second grade, when i was seven, in which i tripped over my teacher’s foot and she had the gall to yell at me for it still makes me extremely anxious (and now angry) whenever i think about it.
fuck i forgot i have class in 20 minutes and i can’t skip because i had a meeting with my prof this morning HE KNOWS I’M AWAKE
i really want to sleep because i’ve only gotten about 10 hours of sleep total over the course of the past two nights but i took my nuvigil today just because i need to do homework and i might as well i guess fuck it
i’m not too into nuvigil rn
i take a full 150mg pill and it keeps me awake for the better part of 36 hours
i take a half of one and it does nothing