Viennese Trainspotter

Apr 20

i write and i convey nothing or if i do convey anything it is not useful

omg all i want rn is to make out for like 5 hours then i will have been awake for almost 24 hours and have done something i love doing life is hard

why am i still awaaaaaaaaaaaaake

also i think a lot of my expectations as to how a relationship is supposed to work are informed by the failures of my longest relationship

  1. "we met online so is our relationship even real? // we never would have met in real life so our relationship is a farce"
  2. "i hate all of your friends and in fact everyone you love even if i haven’t met them because i think they’re all douches so don’t even bother asking me to hang out with them, especially at parties it’s not that i’m nervous to meet people you care about and who care about you, it’s that i already know i am better than them and thus i do not care about them even though you do i would rather be my own company than hang out with them and i actually hate myself but also somehow know i’m better than them"
  3. "your room is a mess clean up after yourself even in this apartment you pay for on your own gross omg you’re a child how can you live like this we should move in together"
  4. "you sleep all the time omg why are you so lazy maybe if you actually tried to be awake you would just be awake idk you’re lazy the fact that you work 30 hours a week and have 40-ish hours of class and homework a week and have no weekends off and may be living with an undiagnosed sleep disorder has nothing to do with it (also because you don’t need medication your problems pale in comparison to mine) you’re lazy"
  5. "medication is for the weak i don’t need any medication to soothe my self-loathing because i’m strong and self-hatred is healthy and medication is for the weak you should go off your medication also i’m more depressed than you are you weak weak child comparatively you have no problems and basically that means that you actually have no problems why are you crying when you cry it makes me angry i’m going to get drunk and break up with you in the most passive way ever by letting down my defenses and telling you that you should find someone better than me because i was just really mean to you which made you cry which made me simultaneously realize that i was angry and that i was shitty so i’m going to take it out on you you blubbering child"
  6. "btw i’m not an alcoholic i just like neat beers but yeah like i was saying i’m really strong and don’t need medication you’re weak for giving in to the psychiatrist’s demands which are strangely wrong because i just remembered that i decided that you have no problems"
  7. "if you think you’re fat you should just work out let’s go running it will be fun omg you’re a slow runner run faster what the fuck is wrong with you why are you such a slow runner i don’t want to hear your excuses about not having run in a few years or never having run so far in your life without stopping (3 miles btw) or that you weren’t a track star or that you’re shorter than me and maybe even a different type of runner altogether you should run faster"
  8. "omg we should play frisbee omg you are not good at this what’s your problem why can’t you just BE good at throwing and aiming the frisbee god okay let’s play catch you don’t know how to throw or catch then fuck you just do it i’m going to get mad at you for not knowing how to throw or catch a ball you cretin"

this is problematic for a lot of reasons but namely because i keep expecting these abuses to be tossed at me and they aren’t and then i have some things so deeply ingrained in my mind (i am lazy, i am weak, my problems are not important, the things and people i love are not important, i don’t need help) that i don’t ever think i’ll get over them without a lot of work.

i am not lazy; i have narcolepsy.

i am strong.

i deserve help.

most importantly, i end up discrediting dylan inadvertently in not acknowledging the fact that he is empathetic and kind and patient and supportive and loving and not abusive.  hence, a few hours ago we talked on the phone and i grew defensive of my use of medication, thinly veiled in a general defense of the benefits of medication and the problematic nature of people saying of medication that it is “numbing”, even though we were talking about something much more personal than ignorant fucks advertising that medication is evil and that ~too many people are on meds~ and ~everyone has some kind of bullshit disorder today~ and ~prozac nation zombie meds~ and ~fast food nation~ and ~ableism~ and he was not attacking me or the choices i make about my body and the things that it needs at all.

part of this comes from the “okay when are you going to start being mean to me?” and also more nuanced things like me being off of prozac right now and the subsequent resurfacing of hardcore body dysmorphia and suicidal ideation at zits and lurking facebook profiles and the complete mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion i feel at trying to get treatment for my narcolepsy or even just living with narcolepsy period and i mean even other things that i can’t talk about because i have become a person with secrets

what i need to remember is that dylan is dating me because he likes me

loves me

(says he)

and that if he didn’t want to be dating me then he could dump me

and then he could do whatever he wanted and we wouldn’t be dating

that is a very simple formula and a very simple way to look at it

i have not trapped him

he is still free

it would be simpler to remember and believe in this thing if i believed i was even a smidgen good, dateable, likeable, loveable, presentable, not human garbage that sleeps a lot, whatever

but i should tell myself this thing because it is true and because the simplicity of this truth is refreshing

watch when he dumps me tomorrow lole

BLAZERRAZOR SAID: ALSO I THINK IT’S THAT WAY CAUSE YOU WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON BUT YOU ALSO DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE LIKE ONE ON ONE AND ANSWER A BUNCH OF QUESTIONS WHEN IT CAN JUST BE THERE FOR PEOPLE TO SEE AND UNDERSTAND.

yeeep.  in the weirdest way, facebook is a legitimizing force but it’s hard to remember sometimes that it’s not real.  it’s intangible.  it’s a multifaceted concept.  so like.  if you’re dating someone, you want to put it on facebook so everyone knows and understands and so that it is more concrete but nothing can make a relationship concrete, you know?  everything is fleeting and relationships themselves are intangible and flexible.  and then the facebook thing legitimizes breakups—“we officially broke up”—and everyone can see it and understand it and know that it’s a thing.

i read an article that said that people who have their “in a relationship” status on facebook take that relationship more seriously, probably because of the public nature of it and also the “if we break up everyone will know”—although you can just hide your relationship status when things go south for an easy way out.  but your relationship is different; that was a long relationship and not ambiguous.

similarly, folks who had “single” listed generally got laid more between relationships than people who had hidden their relationship status so there’s that too.

because everyone goes to facebook for like confirmation of other people’s basic empirical life data.  it is a voyeuristic culture.

BLAZERRAZOR SAID: ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS ABOUT CONNOR AND MY BREAKUP WAS THAT WE WEREN’T ON FACEBOOK TOGETHER ANYMORE AND SEEING HIS “SINGLE” STATUS. IT WAS REALLY FUCKING PAINFUL. FOR PEOPLE WITH ANXIETY IT’S A BIG DEAL.

i considered that, too.  i have also considered, though, the ambiguities of my…ambiguous…relationship with jonathan and the ways in which those ambiguities lead to everything that happened.  that was different, though, since it was our very interactions with one another in the real world that were left undefined; the lack of vocalization on either of our parts and the passivity we both expressed because of fear caused chaos.  my relationship with dylan is clearly defined but we also have a very private relationship as in we do not “do” things publicly.  we don’t go out so we don’t have to put on appearances for other people ever. our relationship is not performative and facebook is by nature a performance of sorts.  that should, then, answer the question: if we do not have a performative relationship, and if facebook is a performance, then why do we need to perform for that platform and that alone?  the answer would be that we don’t.

of course, as basic of a bitch as facebook is, being “facebook official” is a big deal.  asking for it is a big deal.  agreeing to it is a big deal.  doing it is a big deal.  taking it off is a big deal.  it’s a big deal because in all honesty so many of our social interactions in general are virtual (and therefore virtually public, or public in a virtual way), so doing the facebook linking is actually a grand gesture.  it is actually legitimization, though maybe not in a particularly satisfying way.

i have more of a presence on facebook than i do on tumblr just by basic friend count versus follower count, but i am also a more active user of tumblr.  on facebook i click around and lurk but i seldom write things or share things.  so like, some of my followers on here know that i have a boyfriend and fewer know who he is, but that’s kind of okay because this is a platform that connects a bunch of strangers.  facebook, those people know me and they expect to be able to find out about my life there.  voyeurism 101.  you can actually find a lot more about my interior life by reading my tumblr posts, but facebook is a quick skim-summary.  i am in a relationship but with a ghost.

my qualms with the whole thing come from a place of panic caused by jealousy (completely unfounded jealousy, as usual) and this strange desire for recognition.  i think dylan is really fucking cool and in turn i want him to be proud of me and for him to want every fucking person ever to know that he is dating me because you know me, i live for that kind of boost in confidence via someone else being really excited about me.  but then i guess there is a fundamental difference in that i am fairly public and also accessible and he is very private and then inaccessible and i don’t even know his twitter handle and i have no idea what he’s ever thinking.  i guess the desire for internet officiality is just fear that i am not cool enough, that single intellectual babes will hit him up because i know how leveraging the hidden relationship status goes (only evil people do that aka me) and i know that even a ghostly “in a relationship” won’t keep the wolves at bay (and by “wolves” i here mean intellectual babes that could like fall in love with dylan i guess), that anyone who has ever expressed interest in him is inherently “better” than me and will readily act on the information that he is in a relationship that isn’t really noteworthy enough to talk about anywhere in his virtual life, which is, at this point, due to secret twitter fame, pretty big.  even if he doesn’t write about personal things.  or especially if he does.  like.  they say that you should make a writer fall in love with you because then you will live forever or something like that but if a writer falls in love with you either you will accidentally end up with someone like me doing something like this or you will end up with someone like dylan, who seldom admits to being a writer but writes beautifully but also secretively and probably not about you (as in me); you (i) do not enter that beautiful place in his mind; you (i) are separate.  i am ill enough that i read two sentences he wrote about annie clark when he was practically a baby and it made me sad and jealous that he will not write about me like that.  and then i felt disgusted with myself for thinking i am even comparable to annie clark.  and also that anyone would think me worthy of beautiful prose.  he will probably read this and feel uncomfortable that i am writing about him, that i read anything that he wrote, that he still has writing on facebook (albeit, music writing) thus building for him an internet presence and also that i am attributing to him any qualities whatsoever, especially thoughts, especially about me and our relationship and also that um i am feeling these things because he does not know how to deal with them; they are tiring and frustrating and also just unhealthy and ill.

yes, though, it does come down to the fact that it is fucking hard for people with anxiety.  just in general, and interacting with any people, but especially relationship things and relationship talks.  i will probably have another pacifying conversation on the lack of validity of facebook as a thing that can make our relationship real when it already is real, and i will probably concede again to not doing the official thing, which will make me feel smart and not-basic and smug for a minute but then i will feel that weird longing for normality and conformity and “this is what people do” and you know, all of these stupid insecure feelings that really probably have nothing to do with facebook or social media at all, but a plethora of other things.

VEGGIELEZZYFEMMIE SAID: KICK THEIR DEAD BODIES OUT.

they would deserve it for talking shit on my fuckin cheese

dylan and i are still not facebook official

we have been dating for over 10 months

i feel very basic for wanting to be so even when he expresses his adamant desire to not do it

i think i just want something i have never had before in a publicly open way

i don’t know

i wrote a long post about it that i was going to publish but then it devolved into a creepy and very direct and selfish and self-pitying appeal for love and also a testament to my incredible depth of mental illness so

i saved it as a draft and i will either make him read it tomorrow or i will put it on my secret tumblr and then have no one read it since that tumblr has no followers (and certainly won’t get any if i fucking post that) but w/e

laughing b/c france gall rules tho

i think it’s only like one song where i’m like, “whoa there partner calm it down”

p sure it’s “l’amérique”

SAVAGECODA SAID: KILLEM, DEAD BODIES IN THE HALLWAY

waiting until they fall asleep

then evil witch transformation begins

no one is safe

WARMINTHESHADOWS SAID: HOW DARE YOU

laughing out loud to myself in my room by myself

bitches b talkin shit about daiya in MY HOUSE

it’s about to go down

Apr 19

lol reading my own txt posts from fall semester 2012 omfg

(Source: thehardkandy, via blue-cadet-3)